How Babysitting is Fuelling My Depression
After babysitting for nine years, this is why I’m done.
How I Got Here
Throughout high school, I suffered from severe depression and anxiety. After telling my guidance counselor I was hurting myself, she called my parents and I was thrown into therapy. A few years later, I started in a group therapy program for Borderline Personality Disorder. Once I committed myself to the program, my life completely changed. When I finished I finally felt like I could manage my relationships and cope with difficult situations.
My Babysitting Journey
I began babysitting in high school and now I have a decade’s worth of experience caring for all kinds of families. Working with autistic children is my specialty, and I’ve seen everything — screaming, punching, hitting, kicking, peeing and pooping on the floor or in their pants, running away from me, calling me names, or refusing to listen. None of this compares to the disrespect I see in the children I work with now.
Dysfunction Junction
I work with one of three boys in a family. For the sake of anonymity, I will refer to the boys as Zack, Jake, and Chad. I work with Zack. He is severely autistic while his twin, Jake, is not. I love Zack. He has tons of potential.
Their oldest son, Chad, is 12. I have never seen a more disrespectful child in my entire life. The way his parents manage his behavior, or don’t, is the real problem in this family dynamic.
Awful Adolescent
One day, Chad was eating popcorn in the living room. His mom walked into the room, found a piece of popcorn on the floor near him, and asked him if it was his. Without looking up, he said “no, you can pick it up.” My eyes almost fell out of my head. This behavior is a daily occurrence, and it still shocks me every time.
I could never talk to my parents like that and not experience a consequence. His mom’s exact response was, “Don’t talk to me like that”, which he ignored. This is about the same as her walking into the room wearing a neon sign that says “there will be no consequences for your actions”.
So that’s Chad. He is painfully insensitive toward his siblings, who both struggle with mental health issues. Jake is on medication for ADHD, but he is the most apparent undiagnosed case of OCD I’ve ever seen. I’m not a psychologist, but growing up my brother had OCD and Jake’s symptoms are so much worse. Chad tortures him constantly and there are no consequences. The saddest part is that both of his parents along with Chad talk about Jake’s “issues” directly in front of him.
The Tragic Part
Unfortunately, based on numerous conversations with Zack’s parents, it’s clear that they think that HE is the source of their family issues. That is completely absurd. The source of the issues in their family is their behavior, their parenting choices, and Chad, the byproduct of their parenting choices. Due to their inability to understand Zack and their unwillingness to adapt for him, Zack is now the scapegoat.
Zack is at his worst when I’m not there. I know this because his parents tell me about how difficult he is when I’m gone. It is abundantly clear to me that they are afraid of their own child, yet most of his bad behavior is their fault. But what kid is perfect 24/7? Besides, I’m not sure how any of it is worse than allowing your 12-year-old to be utterly disrespectful to your face without consequence.
Nurture vs. Nature
What do children need to be well adjusted? I can tell you based on my experience that structure and consistency are two of the most crucial factors in raising kids, and this family has neither. Zack is a product of his environment. This is true for any child, but Zack’s developmental issues make him incapable of removing himself from an environment that he doesn’t thrive in, and it shouldn’t be his responsibility anyway. It is up to parents to create a supportive environment, and to remove a child from an unhealthy environment when they can’t remove themselves. It is not okay to place parenting responsibility on a child.
Where Does This Leave Me?
As someone who cares about Zack, thinking about leaving him is devastating. But his family’s dysfunction and lack of awareness has caused me to dread going to work. I lie in my bed thinking about how Chad is going to make me want to take a leisurely stroll off the edge of a cliff and how I can’t rescue Zack from his unqualified family. If you’re taking 200mg of Zoloft and your depression is still unmanageable, it may be time to change your environment.
From Coping to Hoping
I don’t have a nicely folded solution for caregivers. I wish I could just put Zack in my pocket and keep him safe forever, but I can’t.
In my group therapy program, they used dialectical behavioral therapy to help us manage our internal and external lives. For those who don’t know, DBT is a skill-based therapy for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. It focuses on interpersonal skills and emotional regulation. This is extremely helpful when I’m at work. I often think about maintaining a wise mind, using radical acceptance, and using skills that help you get what you want out of an interaction with someone. These skills are not meant to work every single time — they are meant to set you up to speak with someone in a respectful and healthy way and to accept the outcome.
DBT skills can be useful to anyone. If you are struggling at work like me, I highly recommend checking out the DBT workbook or meeting with a professional so that you can cope with a dysfunctional environment and protect your mental health until you are able to find a better path. It is okay to stay to protect someone you care about, but you must find a balance between your work and your health to ensure that you continue to thrive.
